Hi, my name is Ally and i am 21 years old. My story begins in elementary school. From that point on, i knew i was different. I was bullied every day on the bus, at school, at home on my own street. I found it difficult to make friends and forever felt like there was something wrong with me. I couldn’t relate to anyone and felt out of place. Sure i had friends here and there but eventually they left.

I saw therapists for years and struggled with myself and my feelings. I felt completely and utterly alone for so long. It hurt my relationship with my parents and no one could figure out what was wrong with me or what to do with me.

I was diagnosed at 20 years old while dating who i thought to be the man of my dreams. He witnessed a manic episode one of the first days we started hanging out and told me we would get through it together and that he was staying. My best friend at the time was at my house. She is a psych major with a sister in law who is also in that field. She tried to hold an intervention with me, my mom, my boyfriend, and her. I was a whole different person, and basically laughed in her face and told her to leave. I later find out she told my mom some really personal information about me and the guy friend who was staying with us for a bit. I was livid. I said im done. She’s done. And i blocked her on everything and cut her out of my life almost a year ago. It took me forever to come around to calling her, and when i did she wasn’t there. She told me she forgives me for everything but we couldn’t be friends and that hurt me. But i couldn’t blame her. I lost my best friend of 17 years and the best guy in the world to this illness, i lost a ton of people because of this illness, i couldn’t hold a job because of this illness, but no more. I’m starting to take control.

I have learned that people will leave, people will not understand, people will not want to learn, and people will not want to be around me because of this. That’s okay because i don’t want people like that in my life. The people that are worthy, are the ones still standing after the storm. The ones who will not judge you. The ones who want to learn. The ones who love you. The ones who see you for who you are as a whole.

I AM NOT MY ILLNESS. It’s just something that i have, and its a part of me. Just one part, out of all the other amazing parts i have.

I am still learning. I am still fighting. I refuse to give up on myself.

“I refuse to live in fear of other people’s judgement.” – Jenna McDougall